How to be a Toxic Person

We’ve all spent time around people that just kind of drain the life out of you. You know the ones. The manipulators, the guilt-trippers, the ones that make you feel on edge and exhausted. To me, the most frustrating thing about these people is that you can’t quite put your finger on what it is that makes them so difficult to be around. It’s almost as if reality simply bends around them, and you get sucked into their surreal world.

How exactly do they do it? What qualities and attitudes go into making a person so toxic? Well, I’ve made an attempt to explain this phenomenon in the simplest, most satirical way I could. A word of caution, however: If these points remind you too much of yourself, there’s a good chance you’re toxic and you haven’t even realized it. It would be wise for you to do some serious introspection to see where improvement can be made.

Remember, we’re all a little bit toxic in our own ways, and it’s up to us to make a change. Without further ado, here’s how to be a toxic person.

1) Assume, on some level, that everything is about you.

This is the first step because it becomes the foundation of a toxic attitude. Once you believe that everything revolves around you, it’s very easy to stop caring about the thoughts and feelings of others. This leaves you unhindered by empathy and compassion. You are then free to spread bad feelings to everyone else to get what you want.

2) Make people feel bad for you not getting what you want.

Life’s already not fair, but why shouldn’t it be unfair in your favor? Remember, everything’s about you, so naturally you should get everything you want.

If someone is unwilling to give you something or do something for you, be sure to guilt trip them. Saying things like, “That’s fine I guess,” “I get it, you don’t have time for me right now,” or “I didn’t want it that bad anyway” tend to do the trick. Be sure to put on a martyred facial expression, though, or they may think you mean it.

If someone is lucky enough to have something that you don’t, be sure to make loaded comments to them so they know how awful they are for it (“This is a really great house. It must be nice to be able to afford something like this”).

3) Never ask for what you want.

If the people in your life don’t automatically know what you need, do they really love you? Probably not. Therefore, you should never ask for anything you want or need. Instead, wait for them to give it to you and become silent and offended when things don’t go your way. Don’t be afraid to use the silent treatment.

When someone correctly guesses what you wanted them to do, deny it and decline their offer. Then become hurt when they don’t do it anyway. Don’t give them the satisfaction of knowing they actually helped you.

4) Remember that differing opinions are only there to make you miserable.

Everyone is entitled to their own opinion. That is, as long as you agree with them. Otherwise, their only intent in forming their opinion is to hurt your feelings. If one of your so-called friends states a view that you disagree with, gently tell them that they are wrong. This is best done by going into an emotionally fueled rant until they give up and walk away. That means you win.

5) Never, ever compromise. That makes you weak.

Since you know that you’re always right, it would be foolish to admit to any amount of imperfection by compromising. Instead, stubbornly hold your ground until everyone else gives up.

Everyone else was put on this earth to help you reach your goals. Goodness knows you shouldn’t give up anything you want to benefit someone else. That just wouldn’t make any sense.

6) Manipulate everyone.

The best way to keep people around is by manipulating them and tearing them down from the inside. Done properly, you can convince others in your life that they are worthless and need to rely on you for anything.

Start off by nitpicking everything they do. This is best done in a passive-aggressive fashion. Eye rolls, sighs, and offhand remarks work best to begin with. Once you’ve torn them down enough, you can move on to simply criticizing them. For things you really want, suggest to them that you would like them more if they did something for you.

7) Lastly, always take offense.

This goes along the same lines as the first step. Because the universe revolves around you, that also means everyone is out to get you. Be sure to read into anything anyone else might say. Pick everything apart until you find something you can be offended about. That’s the confusing thing about being the only person who has ever mattered. Everyone both hates you and loves you.

Sure, some might say that this is based on faulty logic and a need to feel important, but what on earth do they know? People who say that probably just hate you.


In all seriousness, guys, let’s all make an effort to be a little more pleasant to be around.
We all have habits like the ones listed above. That doesn’t mean we’re bad people, we just have room for improvement. So starting now, I encourage you to do all you can to fight against the habits we’ve talked about. Making a better world starts with you, remember that.

Thanks for reading! I know I got pretty intense with my sarcasm in a couple spots, but I felt it needed to be said. Questions or comments gratefully accepted below. Be sure to like us on Facebook!

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